


Agōnia

by BeTheAlecToMyMagnus



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: How Do I Tag, Hurt Alec Lightwood, I Made Myself Cry, I couldn't get this out of my head, M/M, Pain, Pining, Post-Break Up, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 18:04:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20157799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeTheAlecToMyMagnus/pseuds/BeTheAlecToMyMagnus
Summary: Alec tries to move on from Magnus, But...





	Agōnia

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I have been going through it lately, life has been hard, and I can't stop dreaming about this.. so I opened a doc and this is what came out.. 
> 
> Enjoy!!!

At first it seems like any other night of the ones he already spent slacking off of his desk chair, typing away unfinished reports that were left purposefully overdue to distract him from any thoughts when Alec is in the privacy of his apartment. Stacks of files with pages sticking out of them brought him now much needed distraction from his own mind.   
It’s honestly tiring, running away from your own misery. He’s grown sick and tired of it but, unfortunately, it’s the only way he knows how to live.

A sudden ping pulls him out of an ongoing murder case file, the god awful pictures of the victims playing in the back of his head still, but his sister’s name is all he can think about now, because he knows what that text entails without openning it, his heart thrashed within its cage because of it. 

It’s a Saturday night, everyone is going out, to let loose and have fun, dance and let go with their loved ones, to drink the week’s exhaustion away, to flirt and bone the stress out of their system. 

And for the first time in what feels like forever he wants that. After all tonight isn’t like any night, tonight marked two years since he lost him. He needed all the help he can get, so in a quick swipe and a few clicks he replies to Izzy that he’ll meet them there in half an hour.

Closing the folder takes him more than he would like to admit because he can cancel on his siblings they’ll understand, but to actually dress up and get out and going through that door needs him to move his goddamn legs.  
They don’t seem to cooperate.  
The potential of what might happen if he does makes his stomach turn. 

He ends up an hour late to the club, his sister is half way out of her mind, sweating through her top on Simon’s lap, her hair half drenched in tequila.

“What happened here?” he asked Simon, already dreading the answer from the sly look Jace is giving him.  
“Um- ..” Simon started, but someone caught Alec’s attention. A tall man dancing with a girl, his back to Alec, swaying away with the music, he looks familiar, painfully so. His heart ached, he had to physically rub at his chest to will the discomfort away. Suddenly it all vanished when the guy turned.   
Wrong guy.

He needs a drink.

Alec came here tonight with the sole purpose of getting wasted, find someone willing, fuck him, then drink more until he can’t think. One of these activities has been well overdue.   
He dressed right for a change, made an effort to actually look presentable, because he needed a lay. Fucking tonight, not that he wouldn’t get it if he hadn’t. Most guys dig the depressed, rugged, dishelfed look on him. And he knows too well he can have anyone he wanted whenever he wanted them, he’s Alec fucking lightwood.   
He makes his way to the bar, eyes scanning the crowd, he orders, then he head starts lolling sideways trying to shake off the image of Magnus duplicating itself on every guy he looked at. He drowns two shots of vodka, then another two. He’s trying to prove to himself something. He gulps down two more.   
He drank so much in the last two years he’s bordering on the alcoholic spectrum; and his tolerance to booze has improved immensely. So the slight buzz he’s feeling under his skin is the right sort of high he’s looking for. 

He starts walking toward someone who caught his eyes earlier, a blond man with silvery green eyes, he’s cute, but not his type, at all. But that’s not what he’s going for tonight. He hasn’t been with anyone since Magnus left him, he never thought he needed to since he fell in love with him. Now he feels dizzy with the need to run away, his skin crawled at the thought of him touching another guy but Magnus, of touching that guy, not so much the thought of blondy over there touching him.  
So he turns around, when he’s already halfway up to the guy, almost running back to the bar in panic, he sits down on the stool and changes his plan.

No fucking tonight, just get drunk and forget how to say your name.

He’s now nursing a beer, vodka started burning down his throat after the tenth shot, his leg was bouncing so much it must have looked to the bartender like he’s shaking. He gave up on finding someone after his failed attempt to walk up to the blond guy, and he turned down a fair chair of others who were trying to have a good night. 

Through his drunken haze he heard a soft voice, a voice he hadn’t heard in a long time, his heart sped up while his body froze, he couldn’t move, the beer in his hand feels like a rock that’s threatening to sink him down to the bottom of the ocean, and he’s drowning, he’s drowning in the laughter of that familiar voice, in the rawness of it. 

He can’t breathe. Magnus moved away from New York two years ago. 

It can’t be. It’s not him.

He’s trying to turn around and look but he’s scared of what he might see, his heart is about to stop.

“Magnus, baby let's dance!” 

Agony slashed its way through his soul, his mouth felt dry and his throat is grainy as if it was stuffed with coarse sand, a wave of heat exploded inside his chest, circling through his members until it nestled in his gut, this can’t be happening to him. He didn’t even realise he was crying until the bartender nudged his shoulder, then he felt the wetness on his cheeks.  
He couldn’t hear anything, he saw him mouthing an ‘are you okay?’ but he can’t respond. 

He’s imagining things again now, he’s imagining him here, with someone else, great, his fucked up head keeps on finding new ways to destroy him. 

First Alec wakes up to a silhouette of Magnus sleeping next to him in bed on a sunday afternoon, three months after their breakup, asking him to kiss him.

“Kiss me Alexander, kiss me.” he had said. Softly.

Alec cried that whole morning when he leaned into emptiness, he couldn’t function that following month. 

Then it was the coffee shop, where he accidently gave the barista Magnus’s name instead of his, only to realise it when he saw the cup perched on his desk, his hands trembled, he felt like he was going to implode from the inside out. Eventually he ran off to his car, drove aimlessly and stopped randomly, then proceeded to scream at the cup for an hour before his throat gave out. 

Next was the first time he was jerking off in the shower thinking about Magnus, he was alone and yearning, he was touching himself imagining it was him, that Magnus was in the shower behind him, kissing up his back, a hand teasing the curve of his ass, while the other brought him to euphoria, suddenly he heard his voice, whispering “I love you” over and over and over again, as if he was right behind him, it was so real Alec could have sworn he felt a cold breath against his ear. When he came, it was like the spell was broken, only emptiness surrounded him, again. He wept against the wall until the water ran cold. 

That was neither the last or latest time he experienced something similar, it happened randomly sometimes during the day and often at night, but never was Magnus with someone else. 

This is too real to be made up. 

If it is real, he doesn’t think he can survive.

**Author's Note:**

> fell free to leave a comment if you happen to make it to the end of this, if you're curious about what the hell happened between them, and if you'd like more!!
> 
> thank you <3


End file.
